King Solomon’s sayings have a lot to say about what we say. In fact, “tongue,” “mouth,” “lips” and “words” are mentioned in Proverbs almost 150 times. This means that these words occur on an average of just under five times in each of the thirty-one chapters. So any subject mentioned that often, must be a significant factor in our spiritual growth!

Last time we looked at the importance of quietly and calmly answering someone when they are angry and shouting at us, and the positive effects this approach can have in our relationships. But does a soft answer always diffuse anger and is it always the most suitable response? Although many proverbs encourage the quality of gentleness as a hallmark of wise speech there are some proverbs that reveal that wise words are not always soft words. The same wise king who wrote “A soft answer turns away wrath” also wrote “A bold reproof promotes peace” (Proverbs 10:10 NLT) and “A wise friend’s timely reprimand is like a gold ring slipped on your finger” (Proverbs 25:12 The Message).

The truth is it is naive to think that a gentle answer is the solution to all conflict. Life is often more complex than that. Remember, proverbs are generalities that work most of the time but not universal guarantees or promises. There are times when harsh words are necessary. Jesus, for example, condemned the hypocritical religious leaders of his time (Matthew 23) and rebuked Peter for his attitude (Matthew 16:23). We need balance in our approach and we also need to balance proverbs against one another and against the rest of scripture – and we must use common sense. There is the right way and the right time (not to mention the right motive) for our responses.

Nazi sympathizer

Jewish rabbi Michael Weisser and his wife Julie had just moved into their new home in Nebraska, USA, when the phone rang and the caller’s voice said, “You will be sorry you ever moved into this street, Jew boy.” Two days later the Weissers found a packet flung onto their front porch. Inside were pictures of Hitler, caricatures of Jews with hooked noses and graphic pictures of dead Jews.

It was the work of Larry Trapp, a 44 year old loner who was confined to a wheelchair because of late-stage diabetes. Larry was a Nazi sympathizer and a high ranking member of the Ku Klux Klan, responsible for terrorising local African-American, Asian and Jewish families. Police knew he made explosives. But they didn’t know he planned to blow up the Weissers’ synagogue. But he didn’t. Why? Because despite their fear and revulsion, the Weissers reached out to Trapp, with wisely chosen alternating strategies of both harsh words and soft answers, showing him – through both – more love than he had ever known in his abused and abusive life.

There is the right way and the right time (not to mention the right motive) for our responses.

Trapp’s threatening phone calls continued. So Michael Weisser began calling Trapp. Trapp wouldn’t answer, so Weisser left messages on his answering machine. “Larry,” he said “do you know that the very first laws that Hitler’s Nazis passed were against people like yourself who had no legs or who had physical deformities or physical handicaps? Do you realise you would have been among the first to die under Hitler? Why do you love the Nazis so much?”

In return Larry left angry taped messages denouncing black people, homosexuals, and Jews. Each time Weisser replied with a stern message of his own. “Justice is for everybody, Larry… What are you going to say to God on your judgment day?” Meanwhile Weisser led his congregation in prayers for the KKK leader.

One day when Michael called, Trapp himself picked up the phone. “What do you want?” he shouted angrily. “Well” said Weisser. “I was thinking you might need a hand with something, and I wondered if I could take you to the grocery store or something.” There was silence on the line. Weisser heard Trapp clear his throat and say, “That’s nice of you, but I’ve got that covered. Thanks anyway.” In subsequent phone calls, Trapp told Weisser he was “rethinking a few things.”

“I’ll apologize”

One day Wiesser saw Trapp on TV, shrieking about the “Jew media.” Furious, Wiesser picked up the phone. “This is the rabbi,” he said. “It’s clear you are not rethinking anything at all. I demand an explanation for what you are saying!” In a surprisingly tremulous voice, Trapp said, “I’m sorry I did that, I’ve been talking like that all my life… I can’t help it… I’ll apologize.”

But that’s not the end of the story. For the last 9 months of his life, the Weissers actually took Trapp into their home. They set up his hospital bed in the middle of their already busy household, cared for his physical needs on days when he was kindly and days when he was bad-tempered. So moved was Trapp by the Weissers compassion that the former KKK leader converted to Judaism 3 months before he died in September 1992.1

That’s an inspiring story and a powerful illustration of knowing when to use the soft answer and when to use the harsh word – and the good that resulted.

Living wisely is a challenge and we all need guidance to make the right choices. It’s not always easy to know when to use the soft word and when not to. We need discernment. We need discretion. Parenthood, friendships, marriage, dealing with difficult people, to name just a few—all require both communication strategies and the wisdom to know when which is called for. Ask God regularly for the wisdom to utter wise words and he will give it to you generously (James 1:5).

Thanks be to God who promises us, in all the ups and downs of life, the wisdom to utter wise words!

1 Preaching Proverbs: Alyce M. McKenzie p113-119