King solomon’s mines – (part 9) – Toxic talk

Look in a mirror and stick out your tongue.

Do you realise that on that tongue is the power to destroy or to give life? Am I exaggerating? Think about this: Can you remember a specific criticism you received that deeply hurt you? It may have been from your parents, a teacher or a friend. It may have been as recently as last week, or sixty or seventy years ago. Crushing words. Embarrassing words. I can almost guarantee that you still feel the emotional pain or the anger or the guilt as you recall them. Words can do that. Words are powerful. Their imprint on one’s mind may never be erased.

King Solomon had much to say about the power of words – in fact there is more in Proverbs concerning the tongue than any other book of the Bible. He wrote; “Reckless words pierce like a sword” (Proverbs 12:18). Picture a soldier pulling his sword out of his scabbard, stabbing his enemy, wiping the blood off the blade and sliding the sword back into its place. In just one swift movement his enemy lies dead. In just one short sentence cutting words can wound or kill – “You’re stupid” “You’re fat” “You’re the reason why your child has problems.” A pastor who worked in the New York ghetto’s said; “In all my years there I saw very few people who had been hurt or destroyed by gun-shot or knives. But people destroyed by words were brought into my church daily.”

You’ve heard the childish retort to cruel words, “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” That’s not true. Words do hurt! Words can kill your spirit. Words can kill your dreams. Words can handicap and scar you – for years – forever.

Many churches place an emphasis on sins such as adultery and stealing and even expel members for being involved in them. These types of sins should not be condoned but God places an emphasis on sins where the church often doesn’t: “Kick out the troublemakers and things will quiet down; you need a break from bickering and griping!”(Proverbs 22:10, The Message Bible). There are some people who you just cannot afford to associate with: “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much. Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered….” (Proverbs 20:19; 22:24). Words can rip families, business ventures, political parties and churches apart.

Constructive power of the tongue

There is a better way. Proverbs 10:20 informs us that “The tongue of the righteous is choice silver.” The right word is like silver – valuable, beautiful – and scarce. Words should edify: “The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4). This is a beautiful image of the constructive power of the tongue. Trees are not only alive but they also provide life to others as well as a place of refuge from the scorching sun and shelter on a rainy day. The same is true when we communicate with healing words. You can turn around a person’s whole day and outlook on life with an encouraging word (Proverbs 12:25). But a word of caution: It’s easy to smugly say; “Thankfully I don’t lose my temper” or “If I can’t say something good about someone I don’t say anything” or “I keep confidential things confidential”. That’s admirable. But just because we don’t speak like the fool doesn’t necessarily make us wise. Don’t miss the stress of many of these proverbs – be proactive! Encourage. Comfort. Praise. Support. Do your words make a difference in other people’s lives?

But let’s be realistic. Most of us contribute some hurtful words, at least occasionally. Thankfully, Solomon gives us many practical workings of wisdom that steer us towards being effective communicators. For example, Proverbs 18:13 teaches us that the fool answers before listening. He just lets his words pour out like water gushing out of a gutter spout during heavy rains (Proverbs 15:2). Talk, talk, talk! He is so bound up in himself and therefore has to share his thoughts and prove he knows more than anyone else. The wise person is different. She knows the awesome power of the tongue and so takes responsibility for her words and chooses not to say hurtful things, even when she has jealous, envious and proud thoughts. “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11; Proverbs 21:23).

But there’s more. Being an effective communicator means more than applying a collection of wise sayings. It means shining the spotlight into the place where our words originate. The key to wise communication is found in Proverbs 4:23 where we learn that our lives – which includes our words – are shaped by what we allow our minds to focus on. Jesus made it even clearer; “What you say flows from what is in your heart” (Luke 6:45 NLT). The way we use our tongue is a powerful indicator of what is really going on deep down inside of us.

The truth is that Jesus lives in you. Focus your thoughts on him and allow him to be the source of your words. Surrender your tongue daily to Jesus and his words will begin to pour forth from your lips; “From a wise mind comes wise speech” (Proverbs 16:23 NLT).

Don’t poison your children’s memories with harsh words that will stick to them 20 years from now. Don’t continually trouble your marriage or friendships by hurtful words. Be different. Make a difference.