Many South Africans suffer from eating disorders, whether it is being overweight, obese, anorexic or bulimic.
They feel as if they are unworthy, unwanted and ugly and then turn to food, or the lack thereof, as a means to cope with their lives. Negative things that other people say to them in passing tend to escalate these feelings of inadequacy until the individual firmly believes that he or she is worthless.
I can attest to these overwhelming feelings myself and have firsthand knowledge of how things people say can shape the way we see ourselves. The good news is that there is hope. God has not left us alone in our darkest hour and he can help.
It took me more than 60 years to figure this out, but my prayer is that you can benefit from my experience and see that even in areas we consider unworthy of Gods attention, he is with us each step of the way.
The battle of the bulge
In my case the battle of the bulge started early in my life and at the tender age of 10. I had already learnt that food brought me comfort…or so I thought. For most of my childhood being overweight was just part of the norm. I grew up on a farm, and my entire family believed that eating healthy meant eating lots.
I had to go to boarding school for the last two years of my school career. By then the pattern of compulsive eating was deeply entrenched. Apart from feeling very awkward and uncomfortable when I walked, I felt unwell most of the time. I was ashamed of how I looked. I felt nobody could love me for who I was.
The straw that finally broke the camels back was a roommates careless remark to a friend one day. She said: Did you see that fat girl I have to share a room with? I am sure shes is going to eat all the food at our table!
That sent me over the edge. I resolved to show them up and then ended up virtually starving myself over a three month period to reach my goal. Even after dropping three dress sizes, the nagging thought that I was not good enough plagued me. This cancer of shame, guilt and unworthiness stayed with me for the best part of my adult life.
I tried almost every diet or pill that was supposed to be the answer to my weight problem but none of them really helped. At best they brought temporary relief to what I considered a permanent problem.
What I did not realise at the time was that it not only affected my eating habits but my relationship with my husband, my children and others as well. The way we see ourselves often affects how we treat other people and how we allow them to treat us. For a person suffering from an eating disorder this often means that they re-interpret what people say to them. So instead of hearing the person say; That is a nice dress you are wearing you hear; Shame, she cant fit into nicer clothing. I feel so sorry for her…so why dont I just tell her the dress is nice?
God loves you just as you are
I realise that this might sound like a cliché…but trust me, its true. In Psalm 139:13 we read: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb. God made you, and loves you just the way you are. David also says that we were fearfully and wonderfully made.
Now that might not help you feel great about how other people see you, but it is important to understand that if a perfect God deems you worthy, why should the opinions of other people matter?
Yes we want to feel accepted, significant and secure and thats ok, but if the yardstick that we use to determine what these things are supposed to be is the wrong one, we will end up looking for answers in all the wrong places. In other words if God says that you are so important that he sent Jesus to die for you and that he wants you in his family, it must mean that you have value. Now if the world says that you are worthless because of the way you look, you have to ask yourself who is telling the truth? Is it the God who made you or the world that lies to you most of the time?
Have faith in Him. Let him carry your burden
Ok, so now you might start to believe that God loves love you and that you might be worth something. That still doesnt make it easy being you. You are still struggling with years of negative thinking as well as an eating disorder, but have you considered that you dont have to battle this problem alone.
For many of us it is hard to come to terms with the fact that God did not only play what is sometimes perceived as an abstract role in our salvation, but that he also plays a direct role in our lives.
You see, you can cast all your fears and all your worries and shame and doubt and self loathing onto Jesus. You can ask him to help you and can trust him to sort it out for you. You see you have the Holy Spirit, who is called the comforter or the helper who is there for you when you need him.
In Mathew 11:28-30 Jesus tells us the following: Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Jesus is telling us that he can help, if only we trust him. When we submit to Christ and take our problems to him, he will help us. In Romans 12:1 we read, So heres what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life–your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life–and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. (Message Bible)
You should realise that God has given you a way out of your problems. It is no coincidence that Jesus refers to himself as the way, the truth and the life. In him you will find the way to freedom from your problems, discover the truth about who you are to God and really get to enjoy the life God wants you to live.
When the apostle Paul says in Philippians 4:13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength, he is not just talking about himself. He means you as well. You too can do all things because Christ strengthens you. When Jesus talks about faith as small as a mustard seed that can move mountains, he is saying that when you have the smallest amount of faith in him, he can move the mountain of self doubt and shame that you sit with. Through Jesus it is possible to be free.
Once I understood these things it dawned on me that the reason I failed trying to beat the battle of the bulge was because I relied on myself instead of God. Self-reliance was extremely exhausting and demoralizing. The moment I gave in to my weakness my eating spiraled out of control.
Submitting to the Holy Spirit
So I tried doing what the Apostle Paul said. At every meal, I gave thanks, not just the lip service that we often do out of habit, but truly thanked God for what he has done in my life. I thanked him that he loved me so much. I thanked him that I was made righteous because Jesus was righteous. I thanked him because to him I was extremely valuable and finally I prayed that he would help me so that I would eat only the right amount to stay healthy. I guess in a way I was making it a moment by moment prayer and a decision to love Jesus more than a second helping or a snack.
The first two weeks were the most difficult but the Holy Spirit didnt disappoint me. Every time I offered my food in prayer what followed was only what I can only describe as an uncharacteristic surge of confidence and power that was so liberating.
Yes there were times that I failed, but because I realized that I was free in Christ and he loved me no matter what, I no longer felt ashamed or guilty. Instead all I did was take the problem anew to God so that he could help and strengthen me again.
We often think of ourselves as sinners who are trying to become saints by doing battle with the evil and temptation in the world. But the reality is just the reverse. Once you accept Jesus as your Savior, you are reborn. You become a saint! You may sometimes fall back into old habits of the flesh, but that never changes who you are in Christ.
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