My true brother and sister and mother are those who do what God wants. Mark 3:35
Give me a word picture to describe a relative in your life who really bugs you.
I was asking the question of a half-dozen friends sitting around a lunch table. They all gave me one of those what-in-the-world? expressions. So I explained.
I keep meeting people who cant deal with somebody in their family. Either their mother-in-law is a witch or their uncle is a bum or they have a father who treats them like they were never born. Now their heads nodded. We were connecting. And the word pictures started coming.
Ive got a description, one volunteered. A parasite on my neck. My wife has this brother who never works and always expects us to provide.
A cactus wearing a silk shirt, said another. Its my mother. She looks nice. Everyone thinks shes the greatest, but get close to her and she is prickly, dry, and thirsty for life.
A marble column, was the way another described an aunt. Dignified, noble, but high and hard.
Tar baby in Brer Rabbit, someone responded. Everyone understood the reference except me. I didnt remember the story of Brer Rabbit. I asked for the short version. Wily Fox played a trick on Brer Rabbit. The fox made a doll out of tar and stuck it on the side of the road. When Rabbit saw the tar baby, he thought it was a person and stopped to visit. It was a one-sided conversation. The tar babys silence bothered the rabbit. He couldnt stand to be next to someone and not communicate with them. So in his frustration he hit the tar baby and stuck to it. He hit the tar baby again with the other hand and, you guessed it, the other hand got stuck.
Thats how we are with difficult relatives, my fable-using friend explained. Were stuck to someone we cant communicate with.
You can choose your friends
Stuck is right. Its not as if they are a neighbour you can move away from or an employee you can fire. They are family. And you can choose your friends, but you cant well, you know.
Odds are, you probably know very well.
Youve probably got a tar baby in your life, someone you cant talk to and cant walk away from. A mother who whines, an uncle who slurps his soup, or a sister who flaunts her figure. A dad who is still waiting for you to get a real job, or a mother-in-law who wonders why her daughter married you. Tar-baby relationshipsstuck together but falling apart.
Its like a crammed and jammed elevator. People thrust together by chance on a short journey, saying as little as possible. The only difference is youll eventually get off the elevator and never see these folks againnot so with the difficult relative. Family reunions, Christmas, Thanksgiving, weddings, funeralstheyll be there.
And youll be there sorting through the tough questions. Why does life get so relatively difficult? If we expect anyone to be sensitive to our needs, it is our family members. When we hurt physically, we want our family to respond. When we struggle emotionally, we want our family to know. But sometimes they act like they dont know. Sometimes they act like they dont care.
In her book Irregular People, Joyce Landorf tells of a woman in her thirties who learned that she needed a mastectomy. She and her mother seldom communicated, so the daughter was apprehensive about telling her. One day over lunch, she decided to reveal the news. Mother, I just learned that I am going to have a mastectomy.
The mother was silent. The daughter asked her if she had heard. The mother nodded her head. Then she calmly dismissed the subject by saying, You know your sister has the best recipe for chicken enchiladas.
What can you do when those closest to you keep their distance? When you can get along with others, but you and your kin cant?
Jesus had a difficult family
Does Jesus have anything to say about dealing with difficult relatives? Is there an example of Jesus bringing peace to a painful family? Yes, there is – His own.
It may surprise you to know that Jesus had a difficult family. It may surprise you to know that Jesus had a family at all! You may not be aware that Jesus had brothers and sisters. He did. Quoting Jesus hometown critics, Mark wrote, [Jesus] is just the carpenter, the son of Mary and the brother of James, Joseph, Judas, and Simon. And his sisters are here with us (Mark 6:3).
And it may surprise you to know that His family was less than perfect. If your family doesnt appreciate you, take heart, neither did Jesus. A prophet is honoured everywhere except in his hometown and with his own people and in his own home (Mark 6:4).
I wonder what He meant when He said those last five words. He went to the synagogue where He was asked to speak. The people were proud that this hometown boy had done welluntil they heard what He said. He referred to Himself as the Messiah, the one to fulfill prophecy.
Their response? Isnt this Josephs son? Translation: This is no Messiah! Hes just like us! Hes the plumbers kid from down the street. Hes the accountant on the third floor. Hes the construction worker who used to date my sister. God doesnt speak through familiar people.
One minute He was a hero, the next a heretic. Look what happens next. They got up, forced Jesus out of town, and took Him to the edge of the cliff on which the town was built. They planned to throw Him off the edge, but Jesus walked through the crowd and went on His way (Luke 4:2930).
What an ugly moment! Jesus neighborhood friends tried to kill Him. But even uglier than what we see is what we dont see. Notice what is missing from this verse. Note what words should be there, but arent. They planned to throw Him over the cliff, but Jesus brothers came and stood up for Him.
Wed like to read that, but we cant because it doesnt say that. Thats not what happened. When Jesus was in trouble, His brothers were invisible.
They werent always invisible, however. There was a time when they spoke. There was a time when they were seen with Him in public. Not because they were proud of Him but because they were ashamed of Him. His family went to get Him because they thought He was out of His mind (Mark 3:21). Jesus siblings thought their brother was a lunatic. They werent proudthey were embarrassed!
Hes off the deep end, Mom. You should hear what people are saying about him.
People say hes loony.
Yeah, somebody asked me why we dont do something about him.
Its a good thing Dad isnt around to see what Jesus is doing.
Hurtful words spoken by those closest to Jesus. Here are some more:
So Jesus brothers said to Him, You should leave here and go to Judea so your followers there can see the miracles you do. Anyone who wants to be well known does not hide what he does. If you are doing these things, show yourself to the world. Even Jesus brothers did not believe in Him (John 7:35)
Listen to the sarcasm in those words! They drip with ridicule. How does Jesus put up with these guys? How can you believe in yourself when those who know you best dont? How can you move forward when your family wants to pull you back? When you and your family have two different agendas, what do you do?
Jesus gives us some answers.
Its worth noting that He didnt try to control His familys behavior, nor did He let their behavior control His. He didnt demand that they agree with Him. He didnt sulk when they insulted him. He didnt make it His mission to try to please them.
Each of us has a fantasy that our family will be like the Waltons, an expectation that our dearest friends will be our next of kin. Jesus didnt have that expectation. Look how He defined his family: My true brother and sister and mother are those who do what God wants (Mark 3:35).
When Jesus brothers didnt share his convictions, He didnt try to force them. He recognized that His spiritual family could provide what His physical family didnt. If Jesus Himself couldnt force His family to share His convictions, what makes you think you can force yours?
We cant control the way our family responds to us. When it comes to the behavior of others toward us, our hands are tied. We have to move beyond the naive expectation that if we do good, people will treat us right. The fact is they may and they may notwe cannot control how people respond to us.
If your father is a jerk, you could be the worlds best daughter and he still wont tell you so. If your aunt doesnt like your career, you could change jobs a dozen times and still never satisfy her. If your sister is always complaining about what you got and she didnt, you could give her everything and she still may not change.
As long as you think you can control peoples behavior toward you, you are held in bondage by their opinions. If you think you can control their opinion and their opinion isnt positive, then guess who you have to blame? Yourself.
Its a game with unfair rules and fatal finishes. Jesus didnt play it, nor should you.
We dont know if Joseph affirmed his son Jesus in his ministrybut we know God did: This is my Son, whom I love, and I am very pleased with Him (Matthew 3:17).
I cant assure you that your family will ever give you the blessing you seek, but I know God will. Let God give you what your family doesnt. If your earthly father doesnt affirm you, then let your heavenly Father take his place.
How do you do that? By emotionally accepting God as your father. You see, its one thing to accept him as Lord, another to recognize him as Saviourbut its another matter entirely to accept him as Father.
A step further
To recognize God as Lord is to acknowledge that He is sovereign and supreme in the universe. To accept Him as Savior is to accept His gift of salvation offered on the cross. To regard Him as Father is to go a step further. Ideally, a father is the one in your life who provides and protects. That is exactly what God has done.
He has provided for your needs (Mathew 6:2534). He has protected you from harm (Psalm 139:5). He has adopted you (Ephesians 1:5). And He has given you His name (1 John 3:1).
God has proven Himself as a faithful father. Now it falls to us to be trusting children. Let God give you what your family doesnt. Let Him fill the void others have left. Rely upon Him for your affirmation and encouragement. Look at Pauls words: You are Gods child, and God will give you the blessing He promised, because you are His child (Galatians 4:7, emphasis added).
Having your familys approval is desirable but not necessary for happiness and not always possible. Jesus did not let the difficult dynamic of His family overshadow His call from God. And because He didnt, this chapter has a happy ending.
What happened to Jesus family?
Mine with me a golden nugget hidden in a vein of the Book of Acts. Then [the disciples] went back to Jerusalem from the Mount of Olives They all continued praying together with some women, including Mary the mother of Jesus, and Jesus brothers (Acts 1:12, 14, emphasis added).
What a change! The ones who mocked Him now worship Him. The ones who pitied Him now pray for Him. What if Jesus had disowned them? Or worse still, what if Hed suffocated His family with His demand for change?
He didnt. He instead gave them space, time, and grace. And because He did, they changed. How much did they change? One brother became an apostle (Galatians 1:19) and others became missionaries (1 Corinthians. 9:5).
So dont lose heart. God still changes families. A tar baby today might be your dearest friend tomorrow.
This passage excerpted from:
He Still Moves Stones
Max Lucado ©1999
Thomas Nelson Publishing
Used with permission
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