How can dad and mom say so many bad things to one another? I love them both. I wish they would stop fighting.
These may be the unspoken thoughts of children as they watch their parents clash over difference of opinion from time to time.
While sporadic disagreements may be generally regarded as what normally occurs in a healthy family, one cannot help but reflect on the more disturbing happenings of people colliding all around us on a daily basis. Conflict within families and communities, in the workplace, political arena, along racial or ethnic lines, competing interests in industry, civil wars and territorial battles scream at us in headline news every day. Brewing underlying tensions can escalate out of control and reach flashpoint in no time creating fear, insecurity and uneasiness in the psyche of peoples, organisations and nations. Yet, we somehow think of our generation as being the most advanced civilisation in history. What a paradox!
What about your world? Do you find yourself on a collision course with specific individuals, groups or organisations? Perhaps, your marriage is not what it should be or you are at loggerheads with your employer or what was once a good relationship is becoming troublesome. Naturally, we cannot deal with all the issues concerning conflict in one article. However, I would like to share a few thoughts that will help you make a difference as you interact with people in your environment.
A gift to be valued
Firstly, it is important to realise that conflict is normal and will occur because we are all so uniquely different; emotionally, mentally, physically and psychologically. We need to understand that diversity is not a problem to be solved but a gift to be valued. Communicating and listening with empathy to the wisdom in our differences is what makes life and relationships fulfilling, if we allow it.
Embracing others for who they are; their background, their talents, their culture, their experiences, their personalities and the perspectives they bring to the table, enriches the quality of our relationships in an extraordinarily meaningful way.
The late Stephen Covey emphasised in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, The person who is truly effective has the humility and reverence to recognise his own perceptual limitations and to appreciate the rich resources available through interaction with the hearts and minds of other human beings. That person values the differences because those differences add to his knowledge, to his understanding of reality.
We learn from one another as we consider how the interface of our thoughts with the thoughts of others often results in thoughts we would never have had none of us is as smart as all of us. True learning occurs when problems are approached from many perspectives. Responding to conflict situations constructively in the right attitude through healthy dialogue will often lead to real answers as well as deeper more lasting relationships.
Two very different cultures
We have an interesting story of how God brought Peter and Cornelius together in the book of Acts chapter 10:28, two very different people from totally diverse cultures. Cornelius was a gentile centurion of the Roman army who considered Jewish customs such as circumcision, animal sacrifices and dietary laws to be very strange. Peter, being a Jew, regarded gentiles as common or unclean because of their eating habits and materialistic lifestyle. These two very different cultures came together in harmony, accepting one another in the presence of the Holy Spirit as Peter exclaimed in Acts 10:28 You are well aware that it is against our law for a Jew to associate with gentiles or visit them. But God has shown me that I should not call anyone impure or unclean.
Jesus demonstrated his love for diversity among all people throughout His ministry. He recognised the dignity of every individual whether Jew, Samaritan, Canaanite or Greek. He also mixed easily with publicans and sinners providing them with the opportunity to view life differently through the unconditional grace of a loving God who cared for them. We read in John chapter 4 about the wonderful way in which Jesus touched the life of the Samaritan woman at the well. She was despised by the so called superior Jewish community for her race, religion, gender and sin. In fact, it was considered anathema for a Jew, to be seen eating or drinking publicly with a Samaritan. Yet, she was astonished when Jesus, being a Jew, asked her to give him a drink of water.
People and relationships would be dull and dreary if they were all exactly the same, just like eating the same food every day would be boring. Imagine if you married a person who was just like you in every way. Marriage is one of the most intimate of relationships, bringing two different people together under the same roof for a lifetime. And the dynamics change when children come along. Sharp differences in opinions, perspectives and lifestyle come as part of the package. I have enjoyed the wonderful blessing of being married for 30 years, yet our relationship continues to be an incredible journey of discovery. Sure it takes commitment, balance and ongoing effort to talk through and work out how to deal with our differences, while understanding the need to give each other the space to be who we are as individuals…enjoying the diversity within the relationship.
May I suggest that one of the most powerful ways in which you can enhance healthy relationships, whether at home or at work or in community, is giving each person in a relationship the freedom to express himself or herself fully as an individual. Naturally, this calls for empathetic listening and responding in a spirit of maturity and reconciliation to one anothers needs.
The rainbow nation
Jesus Christ came to reconcile humankind to God. As we enjoy the spirit of harmony with the Father, through the Son, by the Holy Spirit, so we need to extend the depth of his love and grace to the people we interact with in our daily lives, celebrating and enjoying the wonderful diversity within our beloved nation. Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu encouraged the celebration of our South African diversity in 1994, calling it the rainbow nation.
However, this kind of peace can only be achieved by letting go of the racial prejudices, biases, discrimination and stereotyped thinking that may be deeply ingrained in our hearts, perhaps due to our upbringing or exposure to any number of unfortunate experiences and influences of the past. We all carry these blind spots in one way or another and need to call on the Holy Spirit to inspire us to rise above such deplorable traits. Understanding the common destiny and potential opportunity every human being has to enjoy an intimate relationship with the Triune God, brings a whole new perspective on how we treat one another. Notice Acts 17:26: God made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth (NIV 1984). It is amazing to consider the impact of how our vast differences coming together magnificently in the unity of being one in Christ and his indwelling, will result in a peace accord that is far more powerful than the greatest of differences. Unity in Diversity!
Sadly, even at this stage of our democracy we continue to hear shocking stories of racial prejudice and bias. Yet, I also come across many ordinary South Africans who cherish and enjoy the incredible diversity that surrounds us. Abilities and behaviours, both good and bad, know no racial, ethnic or gender bounds. The core issues of discrimination and prejudice lie in our human nature.
Renowned essayist and poet, Ralph Waldo Emerson noted: Every man is my superior in some way in that I can learn from him. Lets extend the hand of friendship to one another in a genuine spirit of mutual respect, reconciliation and forgiveness, celebrating the unique diversity that lies within our rainbow nation. Philippians 2:3-4 tells us Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others.
I will conclude with a thought provoking poem written in the early years of the civil rights movement in America; it is a parable about the things that separate us and how the coldness in mens hearts is a kind of death. The author, James Patrick Kinney, was born on March 16, 1923, in Cincinnati, Ohio. Think carefully as you read this poem and seriously ask yourself the question What am I doing with the stick in my hand?
The Cold Within
Six humans trapped by happenstance
In bleak and bitter cold.
Each one possessed a stick of wood
Or so the storys told.
Their dying fire in need of logs
The first man held his back
For of the faces round the fire
He noticed one was black.
The next man looking cross the way
Saw one not of his church
And couldnt bring himself to give
The fire his stick of birch.
The third one sat in tattered clothes.
He gave his coat a hitch.
Why should his log be put to use
To warm the idle rich.
The rich man just sat back and thought
Of the wealth he had in store
And how to keep what he had earned
From the lazy shiftless poor.
The black mans face bespoke revenge
As the fire passed from his sight.
For all he saw in his stick of wood
Was a chance to spite the white.
The last man of this forlorn group
Did nought except for gain.
Giving only to those who gave
Was how he played the game.
Their logs held tight in deaths still hands
Was proof of human sin.
They didnt die from the cold without
They died from the cold within