The sound of breaking glass shattered the night air. It was immediately followed by terrified screams; Gordon! Help me! Help me! I darted out of our house, sprinted towards our neighbours home, leapt over the fence and found my shocked neighbour cradling his blood- drenched arm. His wife was inconsolable and their traumatised children just stared from behind a sofa. Dave and his wife had been arguing and in a fit of anger he had punched his fist through their lounge window. I hurriedly wrapped his arm in a towel and rushed him to the nearest hospital. Thirty years later the scars remain a stark reminder of that frightening night and the devastating power and consequence of anger.
Have you lost your temper recently? Have you screamed crazily at your children or even struck them in anger? Are you the kind of person who snaps at the cashier when he or she makes a mistake? Do you find yourself blowing your hooter unnecessarily during rush-hour traffic? Do you often saturate the air around you with your blistering irritability?
Anger the wrong kind of anger is a powerful emotion that has the potential for great harm within our lives. It has the ability to destroy a marriage, ruin a career, divide a family, and even over time annihilate our health (Proverbs 29:22). King Solomon likened the ruthless and destructive power of anger to an overwhelming flood (Proverbs 27:4 – NASB). Psychiatrist Richard Walters wrote: People will be murdered today because of someones anger. Others will die from physical ailments resulting from or aggravated by their angry feeling. Many people die in anger-related auto accidents…. Countless relationships die little by little as resentment gnaws away at the foundation of love and trust. Anger is a devastating force, and its consequences should sicken us. 1
Why do we get angry? Why do we get angry over the smallest things and blow up out of proportion with what is happening? Why do we get angry at the people we love and care about? What should we do about it? Anger can appear to be irrational but if you learn to look below the surface you will find the real causes. Anger is often a continual build-up of little embers of frustration, unresolved hurt and fear. When you are angry, ask yourself: Whats the real issue here? Am I jealous or envious? Are my expectations unreasonable? Am I bitter? Has my pride been hurt? These and other factors can lead to anger and rage. All the issues and solutions cannot be dealt with in a short article but we need to be aware of some fundamental facts that will make a powerful difference in our lives when understood and applied.
A not-so-funny cartoon
Many years ago I saw a cartoon that gave me an even deeper understanding of the cause of negative emotions. I dont remember everything about the cartoon but Ive never forgotten the four words that stood out in bold print:
I
ME
MINE
MYSELF
In the cartoon these four words formed a giant monument and each letter had been chiselled out of granite. At the base of this monument were hundreds of people with their arms held up high, as if they were worshipping the monument. Surrounding the borders of the picture were the words:
You are number one
You have your rights
Do it your way
You deserve to be happy
Life is all about me. You dared to hurt me so I will hurt you I will do what I want to do I am a very sensitive person so dont criticise me You are in my way. You have the spotlight I want it. In Proverbs we learn about two types of people the fool and the wise. The fool is not intellectually stupid but is someone who sees himself at the centre of everything – therefore everything must please him. He shoots off his mouth about things that make him angry. He destroys and tears down (Proverbs 18:6) and is not willing to listen to advice (Proverbs 12:15). Whenever he feels irritated he reacts in anger because he is a slave to his impulses (Proverbs 29:11). At the heart of the fool is someone who is independent of God. He doesnt believe Jesus statement; Apart from me you can do nothing (John 15:5).
The fool says:
I cant stop myself from being angry thats just the way I am. Dave, my neighbour, often lost his temper at home. When asked whether he ever lost his temper in front of his boss he answered Never if I did I would lose my job. The truth is we can control our tempers if we really want to. We have a choice. Solomon teaches us that A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control (Proverbs 29:11). Solomon doesnt say that the wise person is never angry or doesnt have a temper. But he controls it. (Learning to take a deep breath and giving oneself a few seconds before reacting has proven to be effective.)
I dont get mad I get even. Gary Smalley has written or co-authored over forty books on relationships and marriage. He says Ive come to the conclusion that the number one killer of love in any relationship is unresolved anger. He says that couples can learn to properly deal with anger and transform their marriage by making forgiveness a lifestyle. Dont suppress your anger. Dont pretend its not there. Anger is like a splinter in your finger. If you leave it there, it gets infected and hurts every time you use your finger. If you remove it, the sore heals and you feel better.
Anger in itself is not wrong. God was so angry with sin and he loved the sinner so much that the cross of Jesus was the result. Godly anger moves positively and constructively against that which is wrong (Matthew 18:15-17). Anger drove men and women to do something about slavery. Florence Nightingales indignation over the unsanitary conditions and terrible care wounded soldiers received revolutionized the nursing profession. Godly anger is about solving problems. Sinful anger is all about me.
The Christian life is not about what I want. I am not at the centre – Jesus is. We were created to be dependent on God. God doesnt say we must try our best to overcome anger he says he is our new life. Surrender your temper to his control. Hand over your hurts, offenses and resentments to God. If we dont receive the strength from him to overcome our anger where are we going to get it from?
1. From a sermon by Jim Nicodem